A bit of honesty, vanity and healthy advice.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

YO MOMMA’S SO FAT...... oh, actually I can see the TV fine, thank you.

In the last few months my Mom has been going to Weight Watchers on a Wednesday evening. To my surprise and according to my Mom, it isn’t some kind of Cake Eaters Anonymous. It isn’t a village hall full of sobbing fat women, lusting over chocolate cake.

In the last few months my Mom has lost 2 stone and looks amazing.

In the last few months I’ve been living in pyjama distance from a takeaway.

In the last few months I’ve lost the confidence to wear my bikini.

About 4 weeks ago my left eye had a hissy fit and decided to have conjunctivitis. As you could walk into the university health centre doing a good impression of Nearly Headless Nick and still not get an appointment until next Tuesday I chose to go to the Walk-In Centre on Monks Road in Lincoln. Where they proceeded to weigh and measure me like I was a show dog. Scales. Something I’d been avoiding for a good few months.

12 stone 7.

I weigh more than most of the lads I’m friends with. To be honest I know that, considering my tiny waist and the fact that I’m “80% boob” adds up an Elizabethan figure that means I don’t look like as much as a heifer as my weight suggests. But I’m not going to pull any punches. I have put weight on and I’m ashamed of myself.

I have a pair of jeans in my wardrobe that I wanted to fit into.

Now I’m not going to diet. I hate diets. I don’t want to weigh out exact measures of ingredients. I don’t want to drink tea that doesn’t taste pleasant. I don’t want to count calories and feel guilty every time I want fast food.

I want to keep eating the food I like. I want to enjoy my food otherwise I may as well live on nutrients through an iv. I know that seems extreme. But I believe in eating for enjoyment not just to survive.

Now I am not going to go on a diet. I don’t want to. And I will sulk if you make me!!! However.... my Mother gave me some advice.
  1. Drink lots of water. This is good. It stops you from snacking and it fills you up. To be fair I do this to a certain extent already. My Brita filter is a dear friend to me considering water in Lincoln is frankly disgusting.
  2. Puddings are unhealthy! LIKE OMG NO WAY! *ahem* I actually don’t eat puddings anyway. (My Mother: “How have you put on weight then?!”)I don’t have much of a sweet tooth and would always go for the cheese board over the fudge cake. Yeah, chocolate. I’m not too fussed about chocolate. Apart from Easter Eggs.... which I love. So this isn’t catching me at the best time.
  3. Cheese and bread is bad. NOOOOO!!!! See, this is where I fall down. I don’t snack on cake or chocolate between meals. I get myself a bit of philly on toast. Damn my snacking.
  4. Chew! If you savour the food you’re gonna fill up more. This totally works.

So there we have it. Words of wisdom from my Mother who is coming worryingly close to the same dress size as me. I’m not going to diet. I’m not going to only eat salad. BOO SUCKS TO HEALTHY EATING! *ahem* I’m just gonna stop having gargantuan portions. And stop snacking. But if you come between me and a pizza from Nibbles then I will end you.

Now I don’t want this to sound whiney and pathetic “OMG I’M SO FAT!” or “Does my bum look big in this?”. Of course my bum looks big in this! I’ve got a huge arse on me. And this isn’t some kind of health kick either. I want to do something good for myself without getting all emo over the desperation to diet.

Oh. And if my bra size goes down if I lose weight. I shall cry. And I shall put the weight back on. That is all.


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